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At a loss


Last year at Christmastime, my husband said to me that he thought, given how volatile the President can be, and the coming year being an election year and really, who knows what he'll tweet? He thought we should move our retirement funds out of the stock market. I was all, "Okay, whatevs" because I know nothing about that stuff and rely on his judgement. And GOOD THING, right? Because who could have predicted what all would come next.

By mid-March I was working from home, a situation that lasted 60 days. My gym closed. I started baking, as apparently one does in a pandemic. We built a screened porch on the side of our house. I hit my head on a cross beam in the dark and jammed my neck, herniating three discs. We cut the cord and gave up the satellite TV. Trying to find something to watch on streaming TV was awful for this girl from the TV Guide generation. I read about 10 books a month.

Mid-May I went back to work. I was 20 pounds heavier than I was in December. I wore a mask. It made my face break out. When the salon opened back up I got my hair done. A couple weeks later I started sprouting grays for the first time in my life. Since neither my mom nor my dad went gray, and I'd made it into my mid-50s with nothing more than a few stray gray eyebrows now and then, this came as a bit of a surprise.

My gym opened back up, but Louisiana experienced a surge in COVID cases, so I didn't go. The physical therapist told me my multifocal lenses were making my neck worse. Turns out I sit at my desk all day with my head tilted back so I can read my computer screen through the bifocal part of my glasses. I made an appointment at the eye doctor and decided to go back into contacts and just wear reading glasses. Which was kind of more inconvenient than I thought so not sure I've settled on that decision yet.

My company re-org'ed my department and created a mid-level management position above my current management position. I applied and interviewed. Made it to the final round. Didn't get the job.

Then the anxiety kicked in.

Crushing chest pain. Shortness of breath that feels like my bra is literally strangling me. Heart palpitations. Elevated blood pressure. Stabbing pain in the side of my neck. Nausea. Pain in my arm and shoulder. It sounds practically life-threatening but when I had this in the past, I saw a specialist. Wore a heart monitor. Had an ultrasound on the carotid arteries in my neck. I was assured that nothing is physically wrong with me.

Anxiety.

So do yoga, I guess. Meditate and IDK, drink? Or quit drinking?

I have an appointment with my internist. The quarantine has put me a bit behind. We're almost done with August and I'm still trying to get in all my Q1 doctor appointments. I planned to talk to her about the anxiety. BUT NOW A HURRICANE IS SUPPOSED TO HIT THAT DAY.

I'm a person who loves words and I don't even know what to say about any of this anymore.

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