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First, a disclaimer: I don't watch reality TV. At all. Not competition shows, not singing shows, not Real Housewives, not Big Brother. I watched British Baking Show for a while because I liked watching what they baked and it wasn't about drama (or fake drama) but then they changed the hosts and I didn't really like it any more.
So when I started seeing posts online about Secret Lives of Mormon Wives I had no interest. But then I did some reading on the backstory - this whole "MomTok" thing and the "soft swinging" scandal, which honestly didn't surprise me since I was already aware of the BYU "soaking" trend (which...gross).
So I got curious. After that scandal, what could they possibly show on the series? I decided to watch, figuring I wouldn't make it through even two episodes. (At this writing, I'm on E5.)
And honestly, I'm confused. Are these ACTUAL Mormon wives? Because they're on TV wearing crop tops and string bikinis and low-cut shirts that there's no way they could be wearing garments under. They're drinking alcohol and coffee and getting tattoos. I knew people in the 80s in Mississippi who were excommunicated for less. I once wore a sundress with spaghetti straps (and a strapless bra) to church when I was in high school and I was called on the carpet for it. So it's a little weird that it's being marketed as "Mormon wives" when they so clearly do not live the ideals of the Mormon church.
These girls are all so fucked up, and it is 100% because of church teachings.
I feel like there are Mormon women who are actively trying to change the church's culture from the inside. And then there are women like this who flail against every restriction put on them, but they've been hardwired to believe that walking away from the LDS church is a guarantee of being cast out of heaven for eternity. So they walk this no-man's land of not being active Mormons and not being ex-Mormons.
It strikes me that it was their desire for independence (both financially and personally) that led to the MomTok group in the first place. Mormon girls are groomed to be wives and mothers only. Some women work outside the home by necessity but to actually desire something outside those limitations is considered an affront to God's plan. MomTok seemed to be an attempt for these women to find their own voice outside the role that's prescribed by the church.
I'm sure there are plenty of old white LDS men who now believe that whatever grief these women experience is the result of their own sin. These are the same people who think women are inherently evil because of Eve and black people bear the "mark of Cain."
I didn't know about the group prior to this television show, so all I know about the SCANDAL (as they call Taylor's outing the "soft-swinging") is what I read online which is just the sensational news element. Frankly, the story doesn't surprise me. Mormon youth quite famously also try to find ways around the limits the church sets on them.
And make no mistake, the limits are extreme. Growing up in the church, we were taught quite explicitly that pre-marital sex is a sin. Not only that, but masturbation is a sin, too, because it makes you...think about sex, I guess? IDK. It seems to me - and it did to me then - that if you don't want teens to engage in intercourse maybe encourage masturbation? But no. There is nothing but shame and secrecy around sex in the church. Women are expected to not desire sex or sexual satisfaction. Sex is 100% about servicing your husband and procreating.
Here is one of my ordeals around sexual experiences as a young female in the church:
When I was in high school, I dated a Mormon boy from our ward. We went out for about a year and the making out eventually turned into what the church disdainfully called "heavy petting." We stayed completely clothed from the waist-down. But there was some dry humping. After we broke up, the Bishop of our church called my dad one evening and told him to bring me to his house.
When we arrived, my dad waited in their living room while I went into the Bishop's home office alone with him. This was a man who was probably in late 50s or early 60s. He told me that my ex-boyfriend had come and confessed his sins to him about what the two of us had participated in. When I had no response to that, he asked me to tell him what we had done. I thought that was pretty creepy since he literally just told me that he already knew. I shrugged and made some general comments. Then he told me that he was really disappointed in me and asked me why I hadn't also come to him to confess.
I told him that I didn't think I needed to, although what I wanted to say is that I didn't think it was any of his damn business, and that was the end of me going to the Mormon church.
There's not a lot of character development around the husbands but there is definitely some traditional role, priest-holder controlling happening here, for instance with Jen's husband, Zack:
Insist on tagging along on a girls trip to Vegas.
Go ballistic and say horrible things to his wife.
She spends a day and a half of her trip hashing it out with him.
Wrap up with him blowing it all off with "I'm not going to divorce you after all" because his idea of talking things through is her spending hours appeasing and accommodating him.
Work on fixing the problems by "praying a lot."
This poor girl is so ignorant of narcissists that she thinks suggesting he put off medical school for a year to focus on their marriage is a viable suggestion. Bless her heart.
Taylor (she of the SCANDAL) clearly has some issues, but the only thing we ever hear from her mother is shaming Taylor around her choices. "You should've worked this out before you got pregnant outside of wedlock." Never any guidance or support or compassion. Just shame and criticism. This is pretty typical for mothers who are getting their only parenting advice from "spiritual leaders" who are 100% uneducated and untrained.
Here's some other thoughts on the show from this ex-Mormon who's old enough be these girls' mother:
The botox party is pretty hilarious because most of these women aren't even 30 yet. But then Whitney explains the Word of Wisdom and how our bodies are temples so we don't put alcohol and nicotine into them. And they're literally injecting toxins into their skin.
The scenes of the girls getting ready for an event and putting on makeup together reminded me of preparing for Super Saturday dances in the 80s with my church friend Kelly. She always had the most trendy make up - the bronzer that came in the stone cask and Dial-a-Lash mascara.
It seems odd that the inactives (less actives?) in the group are offended that they're not invited to something like a baby blessing party. It's like gentiles being upset about not being included at a bris or bar mitzvah. It's not your rite. (Pun intended.)
But why was the baby blessing done at their home and not at Sacrament meeting? Is that how it's done now?
Whoever is selling hair extensions in SLC is making a freaking fortune. And who decided they should all wear the exact same shade of petal pink lipstick?
How come Jen Affleck is the only one who gets her last name on her chyron?
Most of those external shots of churches are not LDS churches. LDS churches don't have crosses on them.
It has to be said: Whitney put a stick THAT SHE PEED ON in a cake.
Lastly, here are some alternative titles for the show that I've come up with:
Half-Dressed Women in the Snow
Mormon Girls have Drama Too
LDS Cult Encourages Saints to Avoid Sinners
Good Luck Trying to Tell These Women Apart
People On TV Throw A Lot of Parties
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